The most frightening set of 3 words anyone can ever hear is "Am I fat?". If you get asked this, saying no is not enough. It's best to look absolutely stunned, try to look a bit queasy and even pretend to faint if you have it in you. I'm not sure if it's possible to digress before I've even started, but I appear to have done just that. Back to the subject....
The second most frightening set of 3 words is definitely "GO ON, GUESS". It's up there with "I've got a great joke for you" on the stomach wrenching fear inducing scale. Invariably the thing I am being asked to guess on is so far removed from my world that I usually don't even understand the question, let alone the answer.
I'll give you an example. I have this friend who works in the art world. She knows about art. She understands art. And vitally, she understands how much it costs to go and see art. Currently there's a special exhibition in London, with an entrance fee attached, at a normally free gallery, and she (clearly) sees it as a bit of a rip off. The inevitable question cropped up.
Her: "Guess how much it is to get in... GO ON, GUESS"
Me: "Oh, I really don't know about this sort of thing, no idea, tell me?"
Her: "No. GO ON, GUESS"
I'll dip out of the conversation (interrogation?) here to explain my thought process. I considered the facts. She's very wealthy - I mean she probably hasn't ever had a Ginsters Buffet Bar (actually - who has?) and she probably thinks Aldi is a German interpretive dancer - so I considered it must be a significantly high price to make her blink twice... back to conversation mode:
Me: "I really don't....."
Her: "GUESS"
Me: "Erm..... er..... eigh....... eighty pounds?"
*silence*
Her: "Well, no, it isn't that much. It 's £11"
See what I mean? Now she is embarrassed, I feel like an idiot, and critically, NO ONE WINS. How on earth would I know that £11 is a lot for an exhibition. And the worst bit is, if it happens again I'll still have nowhere to go with it, because £11 might have been a lot for that exhibition, whereas normally it is about £80 and that's good value. Not a clue. Anyway, I hope she dines out on that story, so at least someone is getting something out of it.
Someone even more recently (ok today) asked me to guess the price of a plant.... ah, safer ground here:
Him: "You know our Hydrangea annabelles? Well guess how much *can't mention name but insert name of famously overpriced online nursery here, ok it's Crocus* are selling them for? GO ON, GUESS"
YES! I'm ok with this, perfect (I thought) *hollow laugh*. My thought process was, I can get them for about 5 quid. Garden centres about 8 quid - double it for Crocus.
Me: "Oh let's see..... erm......*(important bit ------>)* well they are massive rip off merchants *(<---- end of important bit)* so, erm..... about £16"
Him: "NO! They are £40. FORTY QUID!"
Brilliant I thought. I've massively underdone it, entirely justifying him making me guess. Everyone happy! Until he said.....
"Yeah.... er.....is £16 a rip off price then? Only.... we paid £20 for ours".
Never, ever, ask anyone to guess anything. NO ONE WINS.
Oh, lastly, if someone tells you their age with a smug "you thought I was much younger didn't you?" face on, look them up and down slowly, tilt your head to one side, cup your chin in your hand (if the situation merits it) and say "wow.... is that all?".
